*the words Ashley has used are her opinions, and thankfully because our husbands and many other soldiers, she can speak freely...I may not agree with everything she said, but it is her opinion and I wanted to give her a chance to speak, because I had referenced her in my original post.
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Ashley Wise, Carrie's friend referenced in the above blogpost. I would like to begin my response with a warning: I am highly opinionated. I have walked through hell--and still experience spasms where I must journey through it again. My thoughts, feelings and opinions may point blank tick you off--but maybe my words will inspire you to think from a different angle. If you are one that cannot handle being challenged to think from another viewpoint, I suggest you discontinue reading immediately and carry on with your life. Lastly, while I don't doubt the reality of Jessica's pain and despair--or the realness of mental and emtional health issues--I will state that in my experience, depression is the end state of selfishness and feelings of self entitlement...basically a Mardi Gras size pity party to which a pill is not the answer.
Now now, before your go getting your panties in a wad, hear my story and where I am coming from...and know that unlike Jessica Harp's suicide ploy to get sympathy and attention, I am merely sharing my viewpoint and attempting to punch her in the face with my words
OK--my sad, poor, pathetic story...I lost my bio dad at the age of 5. My mother remarried a kick-butt man--but unfortunately he worked away Monday through Friday. So, I lacked that all important male figure growing up. High school was cruel--but really, not any crueler than puberty and high school is to any other teen. Crap, your couldn't pay me enough money to go back and relive those days. I was one of the girls that seemingly "had it all" on the outside--beauty, brains...oh I was going places and then..... I got myself knocked up. Yes, that is a crass way to describe the conception of my beautiful first born, but I am being manipulative with my words--just like Jessica Harp--except instead of attempting to invoke self pity...which is well within everyone's comfort zone...I want you to feel like I am not being politically correct and rather "rough" and possibly "too forward". Ahh literature...the mind screw one author can to do their reader's with words chosen carefully is an art form. Don't you think....
OK..back to my story...I got myself 3 months before I turned 18 pregnant. There went West Point and Harvard. Poor me, right? Oh, I was a low self-esteem having troubled teen that was searching for the fatherly love that I had been denied. Bah...shoulda kept my pants up, legs closed and nose studying in books. Puberty is brutal--who am I to think I didn't get to go through teenage hell?
So, I eloped...married the man I became pregnant with the day after my 18th birthday and moved to WA because he was stationed here at Fort Lewis. Life as a military wife is stinkin' tough. It "ain't" for everyone and if you choose to marry a soldier, here is my gift to you-sorry the packaging isn't all pretty, it is just the plain paper and hell, I picked up this extra last time I went through Arby's for crap food for my kids as a "treat"! *laugh* It is a straw. I suggest you carry a few in your purse with you...because when military spouse life gets tough, some dumb bimbo in the FRG starts a rumor about your or stabs you in the back, get out your straw...open your little paper package and start suckin
Here's your straw, sugar...shut up and suck it up because we all have problems. I am going to take a side trip in those writing for a second and point out a few things. Jessica, hunny, you were married to an officer. Over 60% of the military is under 25 and enlisted E-4 and below. Financially, you basically have no freaking clue. Enlisted wives get to deal with their hubby's coming home from a deployment and the drinking, spending and desire to travel going up ALONG WITH ALREADY not having enough money for the bills. "Ringing in the new year in Disney World"? Crap woman, we have been saving for a Disney World trip for my 3 children for a year now--and I am married to an E-6. I can't imagine trying to do stuff like that married to anyone with less rank.
second, you had no children. And, by the way, for you parents of one, have another and wait until they are both talking and walking--when you have to put up with tattle tales, lies, sibling rivalry, etc....then come talk to me. When I want to feel better, I call Carrie--she and her children don't live in a shoe like ole' mother hubbard, but Carrie also doesn't pretend to be Martha Stewart and the editor-in-chief of Real Simple, Happy Home-Making, Lillian Vernon your life should be this organized and wonderful full of crap magazines. So, Jessica you financially were set with your husband's income #1. #2 You didn't have children keeping you up and night or getting in the way of the crazy sex life we all secretly crave.
So, I eloped...married the man I became pregnant with the day after my 18th birthday and moved to WA because he was stationed here at Fort Lewis. Life as a military wife is stinkin' tough. It "ain't" for everyone and if you choose to marry a soldier, here is my gift to you-sorry the packaging isn't all pretty, it is just the plain paper and hell, I picked up this extra last time I went through Arby's for crap food for my kids as a "treat"! *laugh* It is a straw. I suggest you carry a few in your purse with you...because when military spouse life gets tough, some dumb bimbo in the FRG starts a rumor about your or stabs you in the back, get out your straw...open your little paper package and start suckin
Here's your straw, sugar...shut up and suck it up because we all have problems. I am going to take a side trip in those writing for a second and point out a few things. Jessica, hunny, you were married to an officer. Over 60% of the military is under 25 and enlisted E-4 and below. Financially, you basically have no freaking clue. Enlisted wives get to deal with their hubby's coming home from a deployment and the drinking, spending and desire to travel going up ALONG WITH ALREADY not having enough money for the bills. "Ringing in the new year in Disney World"? Crap woman, we have been saving for a Disney World trip for my 3 children for a year now--and I am married to an E-6. I can't imagine trying to do stuff like that married to anyone with less rank.
second, you had no children. And, by the way, for you parents of one, have another and wait until they are both talking and walking--when you have to put up with tattle tales, lies, sibling rivalry, etc....then come talk to me. When I want to feel better, I call Carrie--she and her children don't live in a shoe like ole' mother hubbard, but Carrie also doesn't pretend to be Martha Stewart and the editor-in-chief of Real Simple, Happy Home-Making, Lillian Vernon your life should be this organized and wonderful full of crap magazines. So, Jessica you financially were set with your husband's income #1. #2 You didn't have children keeping you up and night or getting in the way of the crazy sex life we all secretly crave.
and..
#3 You have your MASTER's DEGREE...yeah, umm...here's a thought--how about you stop looking at all the negative crap in your life and see how blessed you really are... And lastly... #4...when cheating takes place in a relationship, the one being cheated on has a responsibility in that affair, too. OH MY! Did Ashley just type that...yes ma'am, I did. Better get your straw right now...you just might need it
Did you ever stop to think that, after going to a place where soldiers have to SHOOT and KILL small children because those children have GUNS and are SHOOTING BACK it causes some mind screwing to go on? OK, so your hubby wasn't outside the wire...well the mind screw there came from hearing about it, seeing pictures and then having his soldier buddies give him an additional serving of crap because it WASN"T outside the wire. Damned if your do, damned if your don't situation. Welcome to being married to a combat arms soldier...just wait until homosexuality is out in the open and heaven forbid this, women are allowed in combat arms. *laugh* Oh again...don't get your panties in a wad. I have nothing against homosexuality. I just know how homo-phobic most combat arms soldiers are...and them having to "spoon" in the field to stay warm with a man who is openly gay...umm..I'll let you figure the rest out.
OK...so I was married and had a baby--did I mention Lakes High School wouldn't let me be recognized for being a high honor student for graduation because I was 6 months pregnant and what kind of message would that send? yeah...I didn't even walk acrossed the stage for my highschool graduation. Sniffle...sniffle...HA...not.
Then, a few years later we had another baby. My husband was a E3, E-4 and E-5 during our years married...and everything fell apart. By the time I finally left, he had been to jail 3 times for assaulting me. The first 2 times, my little codepenant self changed my story--which ruined my credibility. I had a spouse who was an excellent mind screwer. At the point I left, I wasn't allowed to have photo id, access to bank accounts, a key to our Ford Escape, a key to our apartment, or a cell phone. I had to ask for permission. :-) Nice, eh? So, when he found out I was hiding money to leave, he quite literally attempted to take my life. Now, his worldn was crashing down around him over the last several years. His dad and grandpa died. His dream of being a Chaplain seemed to be going by the way side and our marriage was rocky, to say the least.
At approx. 11:45 p.m. Christmas Day 2004, he was shot seven times at point blank range with a 9mm semi-automatic hand gun. He wasn't the only one, but I am keeping the privacy of my dead friend who walked through hell right along with me. I was 21 years old...no college degree...a mother to a 13 month old and a 3 year old...and now a widow. NIIIICE....oh and his family blamed me. Yeah...you know, because if I had been a better Christian wife, I would have stayed. Yeah...and then this never would have happened see? Perfecty logical thinking, really.
So, I was awarded some of the SGLI and started living off of social security. I was denied any further assistance fromthe state of WA because I used some of the SGLI to pay off a 2003 Ford Escape. The state assistance programs looked at that as a several thousand dollar asset sitting in my driveway...their thinking? If I just sold it, I would havea few grand and not need the states help. What kind of help was I askingfor? Childcare while I went to collegeto get a degree so I could provide for my 2 very young children and medical insurance covereage for those same 2 children aswell. I went after the state of WA--because the shooter was, OH WAIT--depressed!SHUT UP! He was also bi-polar, an alocholic, a felon and not being monitored correctly. WA DOC dropped the ball with him multiple times. Eventually the time came in the law suit to settle--out of court.
I got to sit at a table and be offered an initial settlement of 100K...about half of what was awarded through the SGLI. Wanna know what the state attorney said to me..their logical reasoning for a small amount like that? Oh, it is beautiful...I was young, blonde, very intelligent and gorgeous. I wouldn't be on the single market for long because some big strong man would come sweep me off my feet and rescue me. The attorny didn't say the rescue part but I'll be damned if he didn't say the "sweep me off my feet part".
Well, we settled for a much larger amount than that. The attorney's got most of it, but my kids have their colleges paid for and the state DOC changed how they do things. Additionally, those people reponsible for dropping the ball, yeah...they were FIRED! Donald Trump style. :) And I remarried and lived happily ever after...LOL NOT!
I have my own collection of straws, sweetie. I have experienced 2 solid 2 years of seperation from my spouse..BACK TO BACK..and another Iraq deployment--a total of 3 years...went through one of my kid's sugery while he was deployed went through my own hysterectomy while h was deployed...avoided foreclosure...watched him come home and drink himself silly, spend thousands, ruin our credit, lie and lie and lie...etc.--oh and we recently found out about afaulty legal code attached to his file since 2008 which prevented a highly skilled, high decorated and highly experience 18 year soldier from getting promoted. So, waa waa waa for you Ms. Harp. Why do I stay, because it is my damned choice to stay. Everyone has their problems--they either rise to the occassion and effectively deal with.
Why do I stay, because it is my damned choice to stay. Everyone has their problems--they either rise to the occassion or they tuck tail and run. Sure, my belief in God has a role to play in all of it, too...but ultimately (and those that know me best will back me on this) it is my choice to stay. Know who you are, what you want and where you are going...you are going to walk through hell. That's life sugar--but there would be no beauty and happiness without the pain and ugliness of hard times.
One final thought for Ms.Harp...screw you to hell for wishing your husband had died in combat. You wouldn't havethe supportyou think...once the SGLI is paid and your year is up for you to live in housing, the Army haswashed their hands of you. In regular loss...it takes about 90 days for the "support" to die down and even the closet of friends and family are expecting you to "get over it" and "get on with your life"...you get a big straw to suck it up on that one too. You have no clue woman..and your words, for those of us that have experienced the traumatic loss of a spouse, are disrespectful, insulting, ridiculous and horrible. Get over yourself...the quickest way to experience joy and happiness? Cheer up those around you. Be and friend to make a friend...the key here? Give of yourself and stop wallowing in your pity.
#3 You have your MASTER's DEGREE...yeah, umm...here's a thought--how about you stop looking at all the negative crap in your life and see how blessed you really are... And lastly... #4...when cheating takes place in a relationship, the one being cheated on has a responsibility in that affair, too. OH MY! Did Ashley just type that...yes ma'am, I did. Better get your straw right now...you just might need it
Did you ever stop to think that, after going to a place where soldiers have to SHOOT and KILL small children because those children have GUNS and are SHOOTING BACK it causes some mind screwing to go on? OK, so your hubby wasn't outside the wire...well the mind screw there came from hearing about it, seeing pictures and then having his soldier buddies give him an additional serving of crap because it WASN"T outside the wire. Damned if your do, damned if your don't situation. Welcome to being married to a combat arms soldier...just wait until homosexuality is out in the open and heaven forbid this, women are allowed in combat arms. *laugh* Oh again...don't get your panties in a wad. I have nothing against homosexuality. I just know how homo-phobic most combat arms soldiers are...and them having to "spoon" in the field to stay warm with a man who is openly gay...umm..I'll let you figure the rest out.
OK...so I was married and had a baby--did I mention Lakes High School wouldn't let me be recognized for being a high honor student for graduation because I was 6 months pregnant and what kind of message would that send? yeah...I didn't even walk acrossed the stage for my highschool graduation. Sniffle...sniffle...HA...not.
Then, a few years later we had another baby. My husband was a E3, E-4 and E-5 during our years married...and everything fell apart. By the time I finally left, he had been to jail 3 times for assaulting me. The first 2 times, my little codepenant self changed my story--which ruined my credibility. I had a spouse who was an excellent mind screwer. At the point I left, I wasn't allowed to have photo id, access to bank accounts, a key to our Ford Escape, a key to our apartment, or a cell phone. I had to ask for permission. :-) Nice, eh? So, when he found out I was hiding money to leave, he quite literally attempted to take my life. Now, his worldn was crashing down around him over the last several years. His dad and grandpa died. His dream of being a Chaplain seemed to be going by the way side and our marriage was rocky, to say the least.
At approx. 11:45 p.m. Christmas Day 2004, he was shot seven times at point blank range with a 9mm semi-automatic hand gun. He wasn't the only one, but I am keeping the privacy of my dead friend who walked through hell right along with me. I was 21 years old...no college degree...a mother to a 13 month old and a 3 year old...and now a widow. NIIIICE....oh and his family blamed me. Yeah...you know, because if I had been a better Christian wife, I would have stayed. Yeah...and then this never would have happened see? Perfecty logical thinking, really.
So, I was awarded some of the SGLI and started living off of social security. I was denied any further assistance fromthe state of WA because I used some of the SGLI to pay off a 2003 Ford Escape. The state assistance programs looked at that as a several thousand dollar asset sitting in my driveway...their thinking? If I just sold it, I would havea few grand and not need the states help. What kind of help was I askingfor? Childcare while I went to collegeto get a degree so I could provide for my 2 very young children and medical insurance covereage for those same 2 children aswell. I went after the state of WA--because the shooter was, OH WAIT--depressed!SHUT UP! He was also bi-polar, an alocholic, a felon and not being monitored correctly. WA DOC dropped the ball with him multiple times. Eventually the time came in the law suit to settle--out of court.
I got to sit at a table and be offered an initial settlement of 100K...about half of what was awarded through the SGLI. Wanna know what the state attorney said to me..their logical reasoning for a small amount like that? Oh, it is beautiful...I was young, blonde, very intelligent and gorgeous. I wouldn't be on the single market for long because some big strong man would come sweep me off my feet and rescue me. The attorny didn't say the rescue part but I'll be damned if he didn't say the "sweep me off my feet part".
Well, we settled for a much larger amount than that. The attorney's got most of it, but my kids have their colleges paid for and the state DOC changed how they do things. Additionally, those people reponsible for dropping the ball, yeah...they were FIRED! Donald Trump style. :) And I remarried and lived happily ever after...LOL NOT!
I have my own collection of straws, sweetie. I have experienced 2 solid 2 years of seperation from my spouse..BACK TO BACK..and another Iraq deployment--a total of 3 years...went through one of my kid's sugery while he was deployed went through my own hysterectomy while h was deployed...avoided foreclosure...watched him come home and drink himself silly, spend thousands, ruin our credit, lie and lie and lie...etc.--oh and we recently found out about afaulty legal code attached to his file since 2008 which prevented a highly skilled, high decorated and highly experience 18 year soldier from getting promoted. So, waa waa waa for you Ms. Harp. Why do I stay, because it is my damned choice to stay. Everyone has their problems--they either rise to the occassion and effectively deal with.
Why do I stay, because it is my damned choice to stay. Everyone has their problems--they either rise to the occassion or they tuck tail and run. Sure, my belief in God has a role to play in all of it, too...but ultimately (and those that know me best will back me on this) it is my choice to stay. Know who you are, what you want and where you are going...you are going to walk through hell. That's life sugar--but there would be no beauty and happiness without the pain and ugliness of hard times.
One final thought for Ms.Harp...screw you to hell for wishing your husband had died in combat. You wouldn't havethe supportyou think...once the SGLI is paid and your year is up for you to live in housing, the Army haswashed their hands of you. In regular loss...it takes about 90 days for the "support" to die down and even the closet of friends and family are expecting you to "get over it" and "get on with your life"...you get a big straw to suck it up on that one too. You have no clue woman..and your words, for those of us that have experienced the traumatic loss of a spouse, are disrespectful, insulting, ridiculous and horrible. Get over yourself...the quickest way to experience joy and happiness? Cheer up those around you. Be and friend to make a friend...the key here? Give of yourself and stop wallowing in your pity.
I may not be a Marine--but am married to a former Marine so I feel like I have the right to say this in closing...especially because of what it means...if you dont know, google it.............................. SEMPER FI
PS excuse typos and my spellings...my 3 year old dumped root beer on my keyboard and I haveyet to replaceit so it sticks and stuff.. LOL but thanks
Carrie I love you. I don't know your friend Ashley. But this line is making me pretty mad.
ReplyDelete"depression is the end state of selfishness and feelings of self entitlement...basically a Mardi Gra size pity party to which a pill is not the answer."
My mother has struggled with depression for years and she doesn't have a selfish bone in her body. Chris and I are both on antidepressants just to get through the day and it doesn't come from selfishness or self entitlement and it's certainly not a pity party that we are throwing for ourselves.
Jessie
I think many people turn to pills entirely to soon. 70% of the people I know are on antidepressants. I hear nothing but how hard it is for them, pill hopping, pill dosage upping lowering, side effects galore. TO each their own but its not for me.
ReplyDeleteMy TODDLER died while my husband was deployed. He missed the last 8 months of her breathing, walking, talking, first teeth everything that happened in those last 8 months of her life.
Marriage is work. When we put things on paper/internet whatever so many things sound so much worse than they really truly are. I'm not a HOAAH whatever kind of wife. Neither is my husband. We are proud of him and what he does, hes good at his job. I don't give a fuck about FRG. They've done nothing for me. Didn't even get a "sorry your kid died".
I'm sorry this girl felt so alone but there is always help.
Abby and Jessica--perhaps, my warning wasn't clear enough. I am a VERY blunt person. I never sat with counselor--my mother is a counselor so I have a good sounding board. I did however read countless "self help" books in the aftermath of my own loss. ALL of them..EVERY SINGLE ONE says to MAKE THE CHOICE to start focusing on the POSITIVE aspects of your life...regardless of how much of a SUCK FEST your life has become, there is SOMETHING POSITIVE to find if you look hard enough. So, the basis for counseling/self help is #1 START focusing on the POSITIVE and STOP focusing on the NEGATIVE #2 Surround yourself with POSITIVE people and things..everything from friends to music to books, etc. Ladies, I have been depressed and it boiled down to a pity party and vit. D deficiency. I won't apologize if I offended you.--I did start my whole post with a WARNING. I guess your panties did get wadded up.
ReplyDeleteI am not down playing your mother's or your depression. I wasn't selfish--I was codependant...but part of being codepenent is selfish because you are the martyr and always caring for others and getting sad when it isn't reciprocated. I was offended and hurt when I read that reality in a book, too. The truth is most often offensive and painful, in my experience.